Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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