Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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