I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
