Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize
