My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
David Carradine died? Should I be thinking about this 10 min before my interview?
Haha just ref him when they ask a questin about kung fu which they will since ur Asian
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Randomize
