So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
