I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Randomize
