Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
