Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
