Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
