blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize
