there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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