if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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