I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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