My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
