I feel like abortions should bother me more
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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