On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
