Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
