Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
