My friends, they love my intelligence
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize
