I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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