Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
