I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
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