So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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