I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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