just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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