OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
These tits shall not be calmed
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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