Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
