Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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