Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
