Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Randomize
