FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize
