I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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