the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
