OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
