First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
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Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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