I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
