Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
The adults are the big ones right?
Randomize
