Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
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