I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
