Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
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