I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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