It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
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