Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
did i just pee glitter
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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