I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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