well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
