I'm so fucking centered right now
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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