he wants to bone in the snuggie
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
