Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
