My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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