My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
