dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
