this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
