You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
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Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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