Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
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