Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
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