Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
