oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Randomize
